Erica and the 18 hours
Were you not there?
Did you not see?
I’m sorry I just assumed you were.
It began calmly, just a passing comment really. “I think it’s started.” Is what I heard.
Calmly, that’s how it started.
A mellow fear, creeping calmly across my nervous system.
Stopping me from falling over.
Checklists in my head, slowly being ticked.
Helpful voices, drifting through the thickening fog.
That was my mind.
Nothing was happening to me.
But my mind was busy.
Should you, could you?
How could I help?
Should I, can I?
I tried to feel your rhythm.
And join you.
Share each moment, feel your pain.
I timed each movement with your words.
And smiled with the fear in your eyes.
Then it began again.
A new serenity entered the space.
A new joy that brought it’s own light.
And made you separate.
Which I knew might happen, could happen.
Did happen.
But I wasn’t really ready.
And I faltered.
Stumbled blindly, feeling useless.
Unable to make the slightest difference.
But love shone through
And took the pressure
So I had a breather.
Just a break, a little nap
But the experts
With their knowledge
Said that you were; doing fine.
It changed, well, not really, it continued.
Truth be known. It got more intense.
Slightly deeper.
But the experts said you were: doing fine.
So I continued calmly.
Watching, listening, checking lists.
Rubbing, pressing, fetching, waiting,
Staying calm and smiling widely.
Ignoring all my worries.
Denying all your pain.
Never showing any fear.
At least I didn’t think I did.
Then the experts
With their knowledge
Decided you weren’t; doing fine.
Fifteen hours had passed already.
A change of scene
Would do you good.
I can’t remember if there were sirens
But I remember
How sure you were
On what to wear, and that you
Were going to walk
Down
All those stairs.
And you did
And I walked in front
In case you stumbled
Then you realised where you were
And that was funny
But we travelled in style
Nervous as kittens
The calmness was leaving
You were relinquishing
Control
Which wasn’t what you
Wanted
But I never said that
There was trouble
Just that we may
Need some help
Now we had
More expert experts
With fat fingers
And funny ways
Who gave us options
But no directions
Who told us things
We already knew.
They tried to guide you.
They hinted
They suggested
Mentioned reasons
But wouldn’t tell us
What to do.
16 hours of constant pressure
Forced the outcome
And the drugs released some pleasure
But not the reason for the pain.
Now another joined our party.
Your mum and dad all night
Had aided and abetted
Boiled kettles, emptied fridges
Cuddled, held, given words of wisdom.
Now, they were joined by my mother, plus one doctor,
One obstetrician
And one consultant
All with knowledge and experience
They all said
“Now’s the time.”
So we listened to instructions.
My focus now was only you.
I have to say
If there were choices
Then I chose you
This final battle
We were all involved in
Was, for me, a fight for you.
All my effort and my will
Was for you.
So I tried to find my centre
So that you could
Lean on me
Again I wanted
To be your breath
To be your strength
To live for you.
Little changed.
So again, the experts
Used their knowledge
Changed the rules
And helped some more.
A special cap was inserted
And a blade was used.
Now the pressure
Filled the room
My concerns were purely selfish.
I have to say
If there were choices
I chose you.
To my left between your legs
Strangest visions came
Into view
I put my face
Between them and you.
I listened and I repeated
What the experts said to you
And I told them what you said
For a moment
There was calmness
When your body
Released the head.
Back to battling, far to quickly
Is what the experts said.
They were twisting, pulling, jerking
Slowly surely
Was he?
He was on you
Then was taken
And I heard a gurgling sound
But you didn’t hear it
And were asking
“Is he ok?”
“Is he ok?”
Then the nurse
Turned around
Passed him over
To his mother
As if he had been
Lost and found.