Some text in the Modal..

Calm Carl


24th of April, 2020

#Calm Carl talking on "The Scene"

I’ve been scheduled in to chat with Lionheart & Salma on "The Scene" - April 24th 2020 in the 1st hour.

I’m glad that our mental health is on people's agenda and is being talked about as normally as any other problem we might be having in our lives.

I have written all my life, I tried to stick to rules in school but didn’t so ended up with English CSE grade 4.

When I was a young man and I asked any of my mates if they wanted to hear my poetry I was told "Poetry's for poofs."

I didn’t know if I was a poof or not at the time but no one liked poofs so I stopped offering to share.

Now I do. Some things.

I still come across my writing that I wouldn't want other people, even my family, to read, let alone hear.

I do share most of what I've written, some of it makes sense about my emotional connections to...family, love, violence, poverty, addiction, sex, friendship, online relationships, commuting, drugs, alcohol normality, relapse, absent father (being one and having gone through having one), work, secrets, lies & the thoroughly beautiful life we momentarily see clearly, happily and it fills us with hope and desire to share it.

The poem I'l share was written at a desperate time in my life, I have some memory of starting it thinking I was going to a version of an Eminem song that starts 'I am whatever you say I am...' & whenever I say or think 'I am what I am.' I always think of 'La Cage Aux Folles' and how love is more important than money, I digress, or TMI? Whichever...

When I found the poem during my first 'dry' period, it frightened me, I couldn't read it, I actually dropped the book it was in and hid it because there was someone with me & I didn't want them to see it.

The next time I found it (during my next 'dry' period), I thought the things I'd written were the reasons I got depressed.

I read it when I had been straight for a while and remembered how I was feeling at the time and that these were the things I thought about myself. I think this outpouring, creative or cathartic stopped me from going through with suicidal thoughts by releasing some of the pressure of my depression.

I share it because I came through that period of feeling worthless, unnecessary & pointless. Someone who causes pain and misery wherever they go and one way I came through it was through writing without thinking

I believe freedom of expression via poetry, music, art, dance, all forms of creativity is for everyone and that it saves lives.